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If you’re addicted to your feelings of inadequacy — then you’re not alone.  For years, I’ve seen only the gaping holes in my life. I’ve looked around me and often ignored the love and the connection that is reaching out to me.
I’ve focused on the empty moments: the texts that aren’t returned by friends, lovers, or family members. I’ve focused on the gruffness of the cashiers that suddenly turn my open heart sour. I’ve focused on the quiet nights when I’ve gotten no phone calls. I’ve focused on the debt and the lack of funds in my bank account. I’ve been addicted to seeing what I don’t have, instead of seeing what I do have.
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My most shocking private yoga session request yet.  I have long legs.
Very long legs. Yoga leggings fit my legs very well. Leggings are perhaps the most comfortable piece of clothing I own — but they are also the most attention-grabbing. Over the past 15 years of teaching, I have had many eyes stare at my legs as they demo poses. I am unphased by those stares— that is until they bore through me. Some stares stand out. Some eyes linger a little too long. Perhaps you know you know the linger? The one filled with longing and lust? Yoga stirs up all kinds of sexual energy. And for the student with lots of repressed desires— well doing a few hip openers has the potential of turning them on — a lot. It’s time to stop fighting and learn the not-so-easy art of surrender.  I met my soul in my dreams as a young child. I awoke every morning with a burning feeling that I was on this planet for a purpose. Slowly, over the course of the day, I would forget my dreams and start to feel haunted by the sense of inner struggle I observed in the adults around me. They seemed to be fighting an inner battle. And losing. The astute child in me saw through that bullsh*t and vowed to do differently. Unfortunately, my spongelike brain had already integrated the struggle into my nervous system. Fighting was something I was conditioned to do; maybe you were too.
The soul can withstand the inner battle. It will always come out as the victor, but maybe not in the way that we hoped it would. I spent most of my life in a half-alive state. I was here and I wasn’t. Maybe you can resonate?  My story.
I used to think I couldn’t live my dreams. I used to think dreams were just fantasies that would never come to fruition. I was raised in a family that neither praised nor poo-pooed my dreams.  Hill hiking. Image: Author’s own Looking up a hill,
I feel overwhelmed. Walking up that hill one step at a time, I feel invigorated.  My heart was hallowed out by unfulfilled longing before I even had my first kiss. There was a void in me. It grew and expanded in adolescent and early adult years filled with crushes that didn’t crush on me. The void, let’s call it longing, shrunk a bit after my first kiss. Then it grew twice is original size, weeks after our lips parted. He disappeared after his best friend died suddenly. One day he was planning to come visit me at college and then,
Poof! —he was gone without a trace.  Words from a former quitter. I spent my life quitting. I quit jobs, relationships, school. Hitting walls made me want to run. So I did. I ran so quickly I never had a proper chance to say goodbye.
I’ve shunned goodbyes. They are emotional and uncomfortable. They can be messy and embarrassing. Goodbye means you’re done. Endings haven’t seemed worth the effort — until recently. A single mom self-employed for a decade as a yoga and mindfulness teacher, I went back to school and pursued my Master’s in counseling degree 2 years ago. I graduated in this past August with my degree and started my first position in September.  I spent years reading self-help books, trying to change, ignore or resist aspects of myself that made me shudder.
What a waste of money and time, says my regret, looking at my credit card statement filled with books promising the key to inner happiness and peace. But another part of me says: There is no waste of time. Every emotional state holds its place in this life. Every aspect of your being, including those shadowy emotions, are what makes you the unique soul having a human experience. |
About MeSoul Writer. Single Mama. Life ponderer. Nature Lover. Therapist. Introvert. HSP & Empath. Life is my playground and each day a blank canvas. Archives
January 2020
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